Sakee & Rayne :: UNAFFECTED

Sakee & Rayne :: September 14-2004 (19:39)

UNAFFECTED

      Kay's sitting on the edge of the bed. Her barefeet are planted firmly against the cold hardwood floor. Only her toes are visible -the rest of her feet hidden within the wide-ankled khakis she's wearing. Her elbows are planted squarely -painfully- into the tops of her knees. Her fingers are tented. Her index fingers press against the bridge of her nose, the tips almost wanting to pierce into her skull between her eyebrows. Her shoulders are hunched forward. Her eyes are shut. Her hair would be covering her eyes if it weren't for her fingers there.
      The window is open. It's been raining for over an hour now. She woke to the sound of the rain. Normally it's the thunder that wakes her. This time it was the rain. It's always the sound of rain now. The trillions of water droplets, hurtling toward the ground in a grand kamakaze style. She used to love listening to the rain. She could sit in this place and listen for hours on end. Now she hates the sound. With rain comes memories. With rain comes conversations. With rain comes pain.
      She opens her eyes and stares down at her toes. Her pants are rumpled and wrinkled. Her shirt is, too. She fell asleep in her clothes. She's been doing that a lot these days.
      The computer in the other room hums. The sound is a loud droning. It's not even quiet anymore. Once upon a time, it was a calming white noise. Now it almost seems to be screaming at her. She can nearly hear it saying "You see what I can do? You see the kind of pain I can relate?" She sighs and shuts her eyes again. There's music playing from the computer. She wants to get up and shut it off. She wants to take the three speakers, tear them from the tower, and hurl them out the windows to watch them shatter on the streets below.
      Kay wants so very many things. And she knows she can never have any of them.
      "We could have made it work, we could have found a way.
      We should have done our best to see another day.
      But we kept it all inside, until it was too late.
      And now we're both alone, the consequence we pay,
      For throwing it all away, for throwing it all away."
      Kay shuts her eyes against the music drifting through her home. She shuts her eyes tight, squeezing her eyelids together, forcing a wall around her body. Forcing the lyrics to stay away from her thoughts.
      Her eyes break open and she stares outside. The rain is falling from the sky. The lightning is cutting through the heavens. The thunder is echoing in her ears. The music is still not drowned away.
      She stares at the window. The raindrops keep hurling themselves against the glass. Like bugs being crushed against the windshield of a moving vehicle. How many times now has she felt like a bug being quashed underfoot? How many more times will she feel like this?
      The music in the other room changes a little. She tries to pay it no attention. She could easily just stand and shut off the speakers. Or shut down the entire computer. It's late, after all. The clock on her nightstand is reading a little before four o'clock in the morning. She's been awake for over an hour, now.
      A soft ruffle silences her thoughts. She hears long, calm, and dense breathing. The rain pounds against the window now. She reaches forward and closes it. The outside world is suddenly cut away.
      "What's wrong?" asks a groggy voice.
      "Nothing," answers Kay, always looking outside.
      The ruffle of blankets again. "You sure?"
      "Yes."
      A few moments of silence pass by. The blankets ruffle a little again, softly. It's a strong contrast to the howling wind and rain outside. The storm has suddenly become so much stronger.
      "There's nothing left to prove.
      My heart's forever true."
      The music keeps playing in the other room. Though the volume hasn't changed at all, Kay hears it louder than before.
      "Sakee?"
      Kay shuts her eyes again. Her toes press into the cold floor for a moment before leaving it entirely. She lies back on the bed. Her arms pillow her head and she stares up at the ceiling. She is suddenly aware of just how uncomfortable she is in her clothes.
      "Sakee."
      "I'm fine, Rayne." Kay stares at the ceiling without blinking, listening to the storm outside and the raging music. "Go back to sleep."
      The blankets ruffle again. A soft sigh slips from someone's lips. Kay really isn't sure if it's her own breathing or Rayne's.
      "You should change into pyjamas," says Rayne softly after a very long silence.
      Kay looks to her left. There's just enough light filtering through the storm. She can see Rayne watching her. The sheets are drawn up to her chin. There's a pained and concerned expression on the young woman's face.
      "I'm not tired."
      Rayne shuts her eyes. "Was it a nightmare?"
      "No."
      "Was it the storm?"
      "No."
      A pause. "Do you want me to shut off the computer?"
      Several moments of hesitation. "No," is spoken very softly, very slowly, very cautiously.
      "Okay."
      The storm outside all but stops suddenly. Kay looks out the window and watches as the raindrops fall in a methodical rhythm against the street lights. It's much slower now. Not the horribly suicidal mission from above.
      Rayne's breathing is much slower now, too. Kay smiles a little and turns on her side. She watches her friend sleep. That's all they are. Friends. Other than that one kiss, nothing has happened. Nor will anything ever happen. They tried that, once, not too long ago. It didn't work-out.
      'So many things haven't worked-out,' she thinks to herself, watching her friend.
      Kay reaches forward and pulls the blankets up over Rayne's shoulder. "Sleep well," she whispers.
      The rain starts its destructive bombardment again. The sound is harsh against the glass windows. She sighs and shuts her eyes.
      "So what should I do?
      Just lay next to you?
      As though I'm unaffected?
      And who should I be
      When they're judging me?
      As though I'm unaffected?"
      Kay sits up again, planting her feet on the cold floor. She stands now, moving through the rooms of the appartment. She reaches her computer and pushes three keys. The music stops. The humming dies away. The screen goes blank.
      She stares at the darkness in the room for a long while, standing in front of the metal desk. She runs both hands through her hair. Her fingers pressing into her scalp, her neck, her jaw. She runs her palms over her face and stands that way for a while -face buried into her hands.
      'Why can't I be unaffected?' she asks herself silently, stepping back into her room and lying on the blankets, staring at the ceiling, compeltely unaware that the storm has stopped, and that she has fallen back into a dreamless sleep.